Those Pesky Birds and Bees

March 2, 2010
10:30 pm

“You’ll never forget this for the rest of you life.” If she hadn’t said that, I may have forgotten. I don’t remember the specifics of the conversation. There we were sitting near the back of the theatre watching movie trivia before the feature presentation. Waiting for Beverly Hillbillies to start, my mom came at me with the sex talk. We had various talks through the years. There were the vague ones to start teaching me the basic vagina versus penis, and later when I was older more detailed sometimes TMI conversations. Bit the theatre held the all encompassing, important, lay it on the line, ins and outs of being a woman.
No one likes the “birds and the bees” talk. And can I just say I hate that phrase? I know it’s supposed to relate to pollinating flowers and such but I don’t like it. The only flowers that remind me of lady parts are ones painted by O’Keefe. I’m not sure I like the idea either of a man “watering my garden.” But back to the critters. Male birds come by, peck the shit out of a hen, and then fly off not thinking twice about the new mother bird. I don’t think I want to teach my nonexistent children that. I may scare them with the bee story though. The poor male bee works and works to be the best for his queen. Then when he catches the awesome queen and has the first sex of his little bee life, he dies. How horrible is that? “Son, I want you to take care of women. You should respect them, do as they wish and possibly chase them. And if you’re lucky enough to find your soul mate you can be a martyr for her.” That sounds awesome. I hope they come back their next life as something amazing.

All of this was sparked by a moment at work today.
“Guess what I got to do before work on Saturday?” Amy asks starting the conversation. Her daughter apparently entered the wonderful world of adult hood.
“Of course I didn’t really have anything in the house. She got some ‘sample pack thing’ from school 2 years ago. So I pulled that out and she says to me ‘Mom that has DUST on it.’ I told her ‘yeah, it’s been waiting on you’.” We all of course laughed. Amy and her daughter always have stories of quick witty jabs. After he daughter had her bathroom moment she apparently came out singing “I’m a big girl now,” like the old Pull-Up commercials.
We all then reminisced about our own “first times” with Aunt Flo. Like always, my mom knew what has happening before I did. Mothers and teachers tell the girls “You’ll just know. A cramp is a different feeling than a stomach ache.” Yeah well, the first one is just straight pain and your first instinct is to go to the bathroom.
After about my third time to the little girl’s room at El Azteca, my mother followed me.
“Um, Allie, you sure you haven’t um… started?”
“Started?” I pondered. She waited a second for me to understand. “Oh!” And yes, there it was, that pesky surprise into “woman hood.” I just want to know why? I’m glad my mom was there, but really did it have to be during my brother’s birthday lunch?
Sadly, you do remember that first time, and the talk for the rest of you life. Thanks mom.