Basically Frightened

In the words of Col. Bruce Hampton, “I am basically frightened.” I have irrational fears, lots of them. I know I’m not alone though. Anyone who says they aren’t scared of anything is lying. They’re lying to themselves and attempting to convince blind fools. I don’t trust these people, any more than I trust people who say they have no stereotypes or prejudices. Get over yourself. Step down from the pedestal and join the every man. I think the only difference in people is how rationally they handle the irrational. Screeching and running away is NOT a rational response. Knowing this however does not stop me from doing just that.
How about instead we just laugh at the scary monsters? I pretty much have to laugh to keep from letting the irrational take over. In no particular order, the following are my most irrational fears.

In Athens, I feared granddaddy longlegs. The scorpions freaked me out at first. After realizing they mainly were stuck in lights or I stepped on them before seeing them, I lost the fear. Not to mention, those scorpions were babies in comparison to their cousins overseas.
My brother one Halloween thought it would be the best prank ever to throw a granddaddy longlegs at me in the middle of the kitchen. I’m sure if the parents had been home, they would have stopped him. Then again, they may have laughed more at my reaction. I’m sure we did quite a comedic routine running circles around the dining room table. I may even have locked myself in my room. Either way, I don’t remembering passing out much candy that night.
Granddaddies luckily lost their creepiness when I moved to Savannah. A much more devilish creature lives there, the Kamikaze Palmetto Bug. If you’re not near palms, it’s a massive roach with wings. I think the only one I’ve killed died by shoe shot-put. Ten feet seems like a reasonable safe distance from the nuclear blast surviving creepy crawlies. They see it differently. You’re not safe from them anywhere. Walking downtown in crowds of people, I could still see them bee lining for a show. It was like a twisted game of Frogger. They find their way into houses through various cracks, windows, and worst of all sink and tub drains. If I found one in one bathroom of the house, I would run to the other and pray someone else found and destroyed it for me. One summer I even had one so determined to fly around my living room that I gave up and decided to live upstairs for a few days. Thankfully, it made itself scarce within a few hours. Nothing however prepares you for a true attack from the trees. I thought only a leaf had fallen on my head. Imagine my surprise when I went to brush the leaf out of my hair and it brushed back. I may have created a new dance that night.
Thankfully, no one was harmed in my fit. I however almost lost an arm because of someone else’s irrational fit. My brother and I were oddly enough taught at a young age about snakes. I won’t say they’re my friends, but I do respect them and can easily be in the same room, as long as can both see each other.
One of my aunts though is terrified of snakes. She is so scared that she feels the need to save everyone from them, including her seven year old niece. I remember standing on the boat ramp waiting for my dad to pull in when it happened. A scream broke the air at the same time I felt a death grip around my arm. I looked down to see my feet leaving the asphalt and the river getting farther and farther away. At a save distance, she let me go.
“What?!” I demanded rubbing my arm.
“SNAKE!” she pointed towards the river bank.
I didn’t even have to look. As a kid taught to respect snakes, you also had to learn where to look for them.
“It’s dead.” I sassed.
“But…” she panted, “it’s a snake!”
“And it’s belly up and bloated.”
No matter my argument, it apparently was still a snake. I was not aloud to leave my post until my parents were out of the boat and calmed her down. Let’s just say she didn’t get in the river that day.

Creepy crawlies and slithery, slimy beasts I assume are the more common irrational fears. How about some ridiculous ones?
I am scared of Martha Stewart. I watch her show, but only because she’s trapped in a studio then. I’m almost certain the woman would kill a neighbor’s mutt if it pissed on the wrong rose bush.
I am scared of people who don’t know who Jim Henson is. You’re not worth talking to.
I’m not scared of dying so much as finding out we’re all wrong about after life. This is of course stupid though, because I won’t exist then.
I’m scared of the Law and Order theme song. I run to change the channel as soon as hear the tone. I only recently started changing the channel back to try to watch an episode.
I’m scared of being upside down or going fast with out being in control. I’m getting better at though.
I’m scared of people who dress like their dogs when it’s not a holiday or a parade.
I’m scared of shriners’ cars.
I’m scared of unlit basements with drains. It puts the lotion on its skin.
I’m scared of people who think aliens and other life forms don’t exist. It seems selfish to think we’re the only ones in such a big universe.
I’m scared of parent’s who don’t read Dr. Seuss to their kids.
I’m scared of baby pink bride’s maid dresses.
I’m scared of people who have their own names tattooed on them. Does their family have a long line of amnesia patients? Or do they think they’ll be unconscious without any other form of ID at some point?
But most of all, I’m scared of Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, mascots and clowns. I’ve learned to deal with Harry Dawg of UGA some how. However, the last time I saw Chuckie Cheese I almost pissed myself and dove into the ball pit. It wasn’t until I found out a friend was in the costume that I calmed down slightly. Did I mention I was in high school at the time?
I’ve read different theories on the causes of such fears. One said it comes from subconscious memories of childhood. Another theory said it comes from your past life. We won’t argue reincarnation as fact or fiction now. Let’s just think hypothetically with these theories. I’d say some crazy parties were in my past.