Surviving the Givens' Curse

originally 2-26-2010

I was born into a long line of interesting women. I’m not even sure which words to use. They all seem to walk a fine line between psychic and psychotic. It’s an unfortunate situation, but I know I’m not the only one. My mother says that through the generations we’ve become more bearable. With any luck, my daughter won’t eat her own young.
For the longest time we thought these issues only ran through the female side, but since talking to my uncle, we’ve decided it’s just more obvious with the women. Anyone dating us has learned key things to do and look for to warn him/her. I have to say though; the advice for dating a Givens may equally help the general public. My one main advice though, is to have a safe word. When it’s looking bad, just say the safe word, and run from each other. Other wise you will feel the wrath whether we mean it or not. Insults and psychological abuse are an art form we’ve almost mastered.
Men have passed on key phrases through farther and son that you do not say. Yes, you do look fat in that. No, I really don’t like your family. You’re wrong. It’s not that I’m not hungry; you just can’t cook anything edible. You must be on your period to be that angry.
At a very unfortunate time in my young life, I learned there are much worse things to say. When your mother is yelling at you irrationally, do not laugh secretly at her flushed face or bulging vein, and do not ask “are you out of your medication?” The reaction to this can be Hiroshima compared to the blow up of asking about a woman’s period. You also for no reason should ever say, “You’re acting just like your mother.” No matter how serious the argument, don’t throw this out! Even if you think it’s the last option you have, think again. There is ALWAYS something better.
I recently was given the permission to tell my mother if she ever started acting like my grandmother. Even if this ever happens, I still don’t think I could say it.
“You’re acting just like……” Nope. I can’t even pretend to say it. I can already feel myself wincing. Not from a physical lashing, mind you. We never as children received physical punishment that we didn’t deserve. If we did, I at least don’t remember.
You know that phrase “If looks could kill?” Well my family perfected it. We don’t just kill you with a look; we torture you and bury you alive.
I have to say though that it’s not all bad. In fact, a lot of it is quite funny. Then again, I can laugh at just about anything after it’s happened. Looking back on it, the memory of asking my mom if she was out of drugs, is funny. I don’t even fully remember what we were getting in trouble for originally, but I like to remember it as something silly like a fork wasn’t cleaned to perfection but still put back in the drawer. Who knows, maybe I used a wire hanger.
There are stories of my grandmother’s aggression too that have there place even in stand-up comedy. You just can’t make it up. My favorite has always been a punishment dealt out to my uncle. Sadly, the rest of the family was caught in the shockwave. In the history of the family, it is actually a more subtle act for my grandmother, but I love it just the same.
One summer my uncle, Don, had been playing outside shirtless. With all the heat and humidity, it’s a pretty common thing. I’m sure my grandfather worked outside shirtless too. But no matter what the day’s events held grandmother always wanted you to be a bit more formal at dinner. That included a shirt. Don showed up a few times to dinner shirtless and was warned and made to put on a shirt. One fine day my grandmother set the table and waited for everyone to sit down. Don sat down shirtless, again. Grandmother quietly stands up from her chair and leaves the table. I assume everyone thought she had forgotten something in the kitchen. (Thankfully, I was not remotely in existence yet. I’ll have to get the full details later from the family)
Grandmother returns a few minutes later and sits down putting her napkin in her lap. At this point, I’m certain Don let out a muffled scream and thought of his escape to get a shirt. My grandmother sat there making her plate with everything hanging out. Does anything kill a young boy's appetite like seeing their mother topless?
I still laugh at his face to this day when he tells the story. I can’t imagine it was so bad though. I had to help her get into a shower after having open heart surgery a few years ago. I think that imagine may be more unsettling than decades ago with her just topless.
He would like for me at some point to write a full novel dedicated to “Surviving the Givens Curse” complete with stories, advice and possible solutions. Personally, I like my mother’s idea better, “living better through chemicals.” Doctors really have come far.