To start with I thought I should give the basics. This was supposed to be a New Year's Resolution. Then it turned into a Fiscal New Year's Resolution. And finally, my friends kicked me around and said I needed to just do it. So, for at least 30 minutes a day I will make myself write. I won't apologize for any of what's to come, but I will at least warn that there is no way that everyday will be the most clever. With that said, here is the first 30.
In the beginning, I was told I had talent. For the last 25, wait 26 years, I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly that is in. I enjoy way too many things and practice everything. This makes me in a master of nothing but ideas and procrastination. Do they have a trophy for that? Or at least a job for it?
They, whoever they are, say that if you go to art school you should already start practicing how to say “Would you like fries with that?” Among the things I refuse to do is work fast food. Not because I think it’s gross, or that I’m too proud. Honestly, I like certain fast food. I would like to continue liking food made by these individuals and let’s face it, if I really knew what was in my food, I wouldn’t eat it.
As a person who can’t seem to always finish all my goals, I ended up in retail. It doesn’t help that I’m also currently living in an area that easily has one of the highest unemployment rates in the entire country. Retail is what is available and beggars can’t be choosers.
It’s taken me a while but I have to say I finally see the good in many situations. My boyfriends mom recently even helped by reminding me of a Chinese proverb. Forgive me if I don’t remember the exact words, but it’s something to the degree of I’m glad my barn burned down because now I can see the stars better.
I hate people. When I’m not working, I often like to sit at home and do absolutely nothing. However, people also fascinate me. I’ve worked in the service industries long enough to learn how to enjoy the crazies, smile at the jerks, and laugh my happy little ass of at all of them. Seriously, people as a whole are ridiculous. Individuals aren’t so bad.
For a few months last year, I worked in a mass retail store. Hmm, what shall we call it? Wally-world, K-fart, Tarshey, or Meijer? Honestly, in the end they’re all about the same. In towns like this one with limited shopping, everyone ends up living in these stores. I would come home with some of the best stories about the loveliness of people. My significant other truly thought I was complaining about them, but I really just want to share so others can enjoy in my observations.
My favorites always appeared while I was straightening the shelves in the pharmacy section. Two types of people come up to you working in a pharmacy. Those that are too scared and embarrassed to ask, but are exhausted from walking up and down every aisle. The second has lost all modesty and seems to think that you have to know all in order to work any where close to this area. The second are determined and usually talk, a lot.
One night as I was minding my own business fixing the shampoo aisle an elderly woman approached me looking slightly disheveled and smelling like old makeup. I will say though she had the most genuine smile.
“Sweetie can you help me with the Douches??”
Years of practice thankfully gave me the patience to reply eagerly, "Yes" before even realizing what she had just asked.
“Right over here ma’am,” I walked and did my best Vanna White arm move to the four foot section of prophylactics, preggo test, and all v-jay-jay cleaning paraphernalia.
“I saw them all ready honey. I just want to know what happened to the stuff to put in the douches. I already got a bag. I need more juice you know?” The woman talked with her hands and patted me on the shoulder as if we were old friends. I’ll be honest here; I’ve never needed to buy a douche.
“Well ma’am now they have these kits. So it’s even easier.” Another lesson in retail – when all else fails B.S.
“Yeah those just aren’t big enough. Old woman like me needs a little something else. And my pussy just isn’t as fresh you know?”
What I wanted to say, “No ma’am, I can’t say I know what a 60 year old pussy smells or feels like. I’m not sure I want to. And how big do you need?”
What I did say “Well we also carry various washes which might help.” Again the Vanna White.
“That vagasil doesn’t do shit.”
At this point I thankfully got a phone call and could divert with the classic “Well if we have what you need it would be here. If not the best I can suggest would be going to a more specialized pharmacy.”
What’s sad is by the time I ran away and pretended to do something else she somehow found a way to ask another customer for help. I returned to find the two of them discussing the ins and outs of douching properly. I was so happy it was late in the night and not that busy. But seeing her talking to another customer has to make you think she’s possibly lonely and really just wanted to talk.
If any lonely people are reading, please approach the need to talk with a different topic.
Retail workers will probably agree with this. I have a theory that at every retail store there is at least one regular, that every one knows who is this lonely. She (or he, but it’s usually a she) will find reasons to not only shop as often as possible, but also ask for your advice on every purchase. We have to just breathe and try our best, because obviously no one else loves them as much as they need.
I have another theory too, that at any time of the day Law and Order is possibly on TV. But that will be for tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
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Nice story, title is perfect for first post. More please.
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