Dear Future Renters and Homeowners

In the few short years I’ve been out of my parents’ house, I’ve lived in a myriad of homes. I’ve suffered the dorm, apartments, townhomes, ghetto shacks, shanties, and houses. This in no way makes me an expert at living arrangements, but I have however learned a few things, and have a little advice on choosing the best town and living situation. This knowledge I will dispense now.
When shopping for homes in a low country, always look on rainy days. Nothing says “welcome to the neighborhood” quite like a flash flood. Houses on a slope may seem like a fix, but where do you park your car?
A fenced in yard protects your dogs only as much as the children in the neighborhood. If they’re little shits, they’ll inevitably leave the gate open.
Speaking of pets, always drive the “walking route” first. You’ll save yourself the annoyance of the critter walking on the half broken bottle of a bar fight or eating that trash you just really don’t want to see twice.
Your best friend is NOT your best roommate. This rule thankfully has exceptions. Just remember, hanging out with someone all the time is not like living with him or her. (This of course also replies to relationships.)
Do NOT have sex with your roommate. Even if you want to date him/her, don’t do it. Kick them out, and then see if you still want to go down that road. Chances are you were really just bored or lonely, and it was an easy lay. The only upside to said arrangement is you don’t have to feel the awkwardness like sleeping somewhere else. You don’t have to ask yourself, “How long do I stay here? Can I leave while they’re sleeping? Jeeze, I wish I had my own pillow. What is that weird smell?”
Living with people you work with isn’t always the best idea ever either. Sometimes when you leave the house, you really just want to LEAVE the house and all behind you.
Back to the town itself.
Drive the main part of town between 5-8pm. How many restaurants are full? Some of you may be laughing, but I’m dead serious about this. We’ve established in our current town that NO ONE cooks. Well maybe the German Baptist and Mennonite, but they don’t count. Every where, including fast food places are packed. Yet, somehow, when I applied at a restraint here they said servers brought in $100 Saturday nights. Coming from a touristy town, that sucks. So, they’re cheap, hungry people.
The Verizon Wireless store I also always packed, but I haven’t figured out the cause of that yet. Maybe it’s because there are no other carriers locally.
When we chose this town, I thought I did the mature thing by checking tax information, cost of living, and unemployment history. I forgot however to check carriers for phone, cable, internet, and more importantly bank. Bank of America may need to change their name. Bank of the South? Or Bank of Places we can find on the map?
I didn’t realize how different some food prices are either. This however is trivial now that you can get everything on the internet.
If still of a “party age,’ find a local and ask where they go. If every bar/club they mention is out of town, you may want to think again. I like going out, but no drink is worth an hour drive. Maybe Patron shots for a dollar? No, not even that.
Maybe I’m too practical.

I’m learning too, there are certain key things about a town that will tell you how ghetto, white trash, dirty, or red neck the place is. Ask yourself these following questions.
How many locally owned donut or waffle places are there?
How many restaurants can you see the cooks without aprons or hair nets?
How many roads dead end?
How many churches are there “down town?”
Does any one walk?
How many $5k and under car lots are there?
Are there sculptures of art in places you don’t understand?
Is someone standing at the gas station wearing a trench coat and looking like he has no car?
Check your local pharmacy. Are the condoms and preggo tests behind a locked case?
How many obese children are under 8?
Do apartment complexes look like a place they shun people?
Is there a hotel or a motel of about eight rooms?
Which leads to – Do they rent by the hour?
And last, but certainly not least, go to the nearest Wal-mart or K-Mart. How many customers are shopping in their pajama bottoms??